什么阻碍了高分作文

徐诗祺

在寫作中，很多同学会茫然：为什么我达到了所有的要求，作文分数依然不高？想要找到失分的关键，不妨来看看你的作文是否有以下问题。

[语法错误]

语法错误是同学们写作中最容易出现的问题。

1. 时态和语态错误

Mick was fell off the bike when cycling across the road. （fall off表示“跌倒”，不用被动形式，去掉was）

I read the announcement of the summer camp that you have posted on the Internet and I was interested in it. （“我”是“现在”感兴趣，was改为am）

2. 名词单复数及主谓一致错误

Im sorry to tell you a bad news about Mick.（news是不可数名词，意为“消息”，a改为a piece of）

The sport stadiums is very great and is highly spoken of by the foreigners. （stadiums的谓语应用are）

3. 词性混淆

Here I will provide you with my suggests. （suggests改为名词suggestions）

4. 搭配错误

Under the help of the teacher， I have made great progress in English studies. （under改为with）

5. 句子结构混乱

In the beginning， everything going well. （描述过去的事情，going改为went）

There are many students hold an opposite view on this issue. （一句话有两个谓语，hold前加who或者hold改holding）

[中式英语]

同学们在写作当中难免受到汉语思维的影响。这主要体现在以下两个方面。

1. 逐字逐句翻译

我很遗憾地告诉你，Mick昨天发生了一起小事故。

Im sorry to tell you Mick happened a slight accident yesterday. （F）

Im sorry to tell you a slight accident happened to Mick yesterday. （T）

happen是不及物动词，“某人发生某事”应用sth.happens/happened to sb.。

英汉句子的语序与汉语存在巨大差异。掌握五种基本句型是写好英语句子的基础。

2. 用词不当

Dont worry. He has been well settled in the hospital now.

To be a volunteer， in my opinion， means I should not only serve visitors heart and soul but also be on behalf of our Chinese cultures.

第一句中，settle in表示迁入新居并安顿好，不适用于医院，改为He is in hospital now and will recover soon。

第二句，“我不仅应该全心全意为游客服务，而且代表着中国文化”听起来非常生硬，把后半句改为but also spread our Chinese cultures to the best of my ability。

[误用复杂句式]

总有同学在作文中不遗余力地套用复杂句式，但为用而用往往会得不偿失。

1. 句式不正确

However， we were about to cross the road when Mick fell off the bike， only to find his leg was broken seriously.

此句套用了be about to do ... when ... 和only to do，但是意思表达并不正确。only to do引导结果状语时表示意料之外的结果，此处应改为having his leg seriously broken。

So willing am I to provide you with some latest information.

此句是so ... that ... （如此……以至于……）句型的误用。从意思上来看，此句并不需要强调“我是如此的愿意以至于……”，所以应更正为I am so willing to provide you with some latest information。

2. 句式不恰当

It is universally acknowledged that Mick is good at riding bikes， so we were surprised that he fell off the bike.

Im Li Hua， a student who is taught by Mick.

Im sorry to tell you Mick was injured by accident. It was my carelessness that contributes to his injury.

以上三句均没有语法错误，还使用了较为高级的句式，但都不恰当。第一句中的it is universally acknowledged that适用于表达世所公认的事实，用在此处过于夸张，建议删掉；第二个句子运用了定语从句，却让一个简单的句子复杂化，违背了书信的交际功能，建议改为Im Li Hua， one of Micks students；第三句运用了强调句，但是意思表达有误，此处不应该强调“我的失误导致他受伤”，建议删掉。

[添加无关信息]

高考作文的要求之一是“适当增加细节，以使行文连贯”。增加细节的目的是加强文章的连贯性，添加无意义的信息只会淹没作文的重点，让作文不知所云。

在向Mick的妈妈告知Mick骑车受伤的作文中，有同学写道：

We were very happy to enjoy the beautiful scenery along the journey and the villagers were so friendly that we had a big meal together.

Could you bring some personal things of Micks to Zhong Hua hospital？ The room number is 305.

以上两句的共同问题是不符合语境。第一句与书信内容毫无关系，对情节的推动也没有任何作用；第二句不切实际。按常理推断，Mick的妈妈在国外，根本不可能出现在医院。此二句均属无关信息，应当删除。

另有同学写道：

Yesterday， I invited Mick to take a bike trip with us around the city wall， where the beautiful cherry tree were in full blossom. So absorbed in the spectacular scenery， Mick didnt notice the stone in front and fell off the bike， having his leg broken.

该同学在题干给出的简单信息“一天和同学邀请外教Mick骑自行车去游玩。途中，Mick不慎摔倒”的基础上，补充了邀约Mick的时间、地点、原因及Mick摔倒的原因，让作文的内容更加完整，逻辑更加连贯。

[语气和情感态度不合情理]

一篇优秀作文必行文的语气和情感态度要得当。而这正是同学们现阶段写作中最容易忽视的问题。

例如，在邀请外教参加生日派对的书信中这样写：

Im wondering if you are available that day. Would you mind joining us？ What a pity if you refuse our invitation.

寫信的对象是外教，并非陌生人，Im wondering if和would you mind这样的表达过于委婉；if you refuse our invitation语气太过生硬，也不合适。

在向Mick妈妈告知Mick骑车受伤的作文中，有同学这样写：

Im sorry to tell you something bad about Mick. Details are as follows.

Unfortunately， Mick fell off the bike in order not to hit a dog.

Sad as we were， we called a taxi and sent his to hospital.

as follows适用于列举一条条事项，不适合作为描述一个具体事件的转折句；Mick不慎摔倒应该是suddenly（突然地）而不是unfortunately（不幸地）；我们sad（悲伤）和我们把他送到医院不构成转折关系。且这是一封给Mick妈妈说明情况的书信，sad表达的情绪过于沉重，看起来好像mick发生了重大的不幸，不如改为Worried as we were， we first gave comfort to him and then took him to hospital。

自然、恰到好处地流露情感，是点亮作文的一大利器。如同样表达“送Mick去医院”，有同学用到了accompany和rush来替换take和send。不仅把“送去医院”表达清楚了，并且体现了“我们”对Mick的陪伴或关心。